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Escape the Zombie Apocalypse and Learn to Sail

Dec 2, 2016

Author: Fin

Fintan Hartnett is the Principal and Chief Instructor at Topmast Maritime Training and an RYA Yachtmaster Instructor as well as Sail Canada and ASA instructor.

Zombie Sailing Advice:

Zombies can’t swim. They certainly can’t sail. Sailing is a bit too complicated for Zombies. You’ll never hear a Zombie telling another Zombie to ‘ease the jib sheet’, which comes out as ‘unhunhhhunhhhhunhh’ and means zip, nada, nothing. And if there’s a crash gybe they’re likely to lose their head when the boom crashes over- literally. For these reasons and many more which have to do with Zombies, it is a good idea to learn to sail in order to escape the Zombie Apocalypse.

When everyone else is hiding out in barns and underground bunkers you’ll be safely out to sea (or on the lake or maybe even a large pond) where there’s NO chance of the stupid Zombies finding their way on board by some freakish circumstance related to your own failings as a survivalist. In the unlikely event you come across a ship crewed by Zombies you’ll hail them from a safe distance, ‘ahoy, are you Zombie free’ (clearly they won’t be flying their ‘Q’ flag) and the only reply you’ll get is ‘unhunhhhunhhhhunhh’ and we all know what that means. You just sail away, knowing full well the stupid Zombies can’t steer AT ALL.

Need to stop for fuel? No, you’re sailing. Need fresh water? Make sure you have a desalinator on board or a lot of spare fresh water. Electrics? Solar panels. Food? Catch fish. And seaweed looks like a vegetable. Entertainment? Read a flipping book for a change – preferably one on how to survive the Zombie Apocalypse. Barring that there’s all sorts of movies and TV. series you can download before you embark, I suggest World War Z and the Walking Dead for starters. Gilmore Girls works as well.

Clearly you can’t spend the rest of your days bobbing around on the water waiting for everyone to get eaten by Zombies – you’ll go insane and eat your own foot or cut off your ear or something silly like that. Probably you’ll just be desperate for a cold beer. Best thing to do is go somewhere remote. St Helena Island in the South Atlantic is pretty isolated (Napoleon spent a few years there) and so is Cocos Keeling Island off the coast of Australia. St Pierre et Miquelon might be good – I wouldn’t go there if I was a Zombie, it’s French. Needless to say you’ll need to know how to navigate, which is also a key component in the whole learning to sail thing (at the very least you learn how to use a compass).

So, in conclusion, if you want to avoid the coming Zombie Apocalypse and gruesome death, LEARN TO SAIL!

NB – This was inspired by watching 2 seasons of the Walking Dead in a week on yacht delivery across the Atlantic (bad idea and gave me recurring nightmares which annoy my wife – the series not the delivery).

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